Nothing Left To Give

In my youth I tried hard to live to the standards taught by the church of putting others before yourselves. In my first apartment I started working for a friend who was about 10 years older than me who had been a junkie. Back then there was no rehab, and everyone knew him as a kind, helping soul. If a junkie was in serious trouble, they would call him 24/7 and he would go help them. He took mealong, saying that just a friendly voice could help.

I w introduced to a world of abuse, hatred losers and god only knows what just trying to survive. Many were streetwalkers, living fix to fix on the street. While there were repeat offenders who would clean up for a while, there were those who didn't make it. At 17 I held a young woman a year older then me in my arms as she died. Her eyes cried for saving, but her body as done. She kept trying to apologize, so I instead told her how good she was and asked for nice memories. She died a little les painfully and my friend complemented my actions.

That was decades ago, and for too many years I kept the same attitude of helping those who couldn't. i've had a huge number of friends who got murdered, lived in a neighborhood with a serial killers who killed at least 5 I knew, I lived on ramen and rice to be able to help....but not to brag, Ijust did it. I told nobody.

Now I'm old, broke and very sick. I never reached a fraction of my goals. Most of my thoughts are regret. The people who taught/ demanded putting others first I realized all had lots of money from being preachers or in charge of groups that paid them a lot to act like they cared.

You can care too much. It's not wrong to put yourself first, because without yourself there is nothing to give anyway. I wish I knew that 50 years ago. Maybe this will save somebody young enough to read it.

---

Antigone' Other July 14, 2026 at 12:54 pm 0 0