What the hell am I feeling

Throughout my entire childhood, I lacked any type of love. My father ran off with my brothers and my mother had worked so hard to keep the girls in my family alive. My sisters never included me in anything and at school, I was rarely liked. I had a "friend" who copied everything I did and they were always praised for their work and even though I was the one who came up with ideas first, they always took what I created. I could never get mad at them... They even did things better than me to a point where people thought /I/ was the one copying. So. With no one to ever be with platonically- I couldn't understand the romance when cartoons expressed it. I played with myself often. I pretended I fell in love with myself- but as different characters. However- the love remained unrequited.

If the girl character was in love- the male character would never return the feelings. Vice versa. That's all I ever played. And it made sense to me. It made too much sense. I could never, ever reenact a time when both characters were happy and in love. Never, in any of it, were they both, "I like you and its mutual."

In elementary, I was shallow. I thought this guy kid was pretty cute. But? I liked how he looked. I didn't like anything more. Later on, I met this boy I could talk about games with. It was fun. I liked him because of that. But when I was about to move away, I wanted to tell him badly. I never did.

Middle school was terrible- because, I liked this boy who would also talk about games with me. But- there were too many mixed messages. A friend I made liked him too. So I stepped back. And I let them go together. Because at what chance was I going to get? It was better that way, anyways. My happiness should always be last.

I stopped liking him when I reached freshman year of highschool. I moved. I forgot he even existed. I had dated someone online, in thoughts that maybe I could like this person back- but in the end, I couldn't feel anything. I broke up with them, because I began to like someone else online. Or so I thought. Because we spent so much time together, I felt that maybe we could like each other. But even then?? I felt inferior because they talked all the time when I couldn't ever say anything. I couldn't understand it. They were also so dependent on my texts, I couldn't even go one day without texting or they thought something bad would have happened to me. I broke up with them- because I found someone I liked that wasn't online. They were at my school. I was infatuated with them. I really liked them. And though I felt like we could be, I already knew it wouldn't happen. Yet. I lied to myself that even if they didn't like me, I would be okay. Because their happiness was first. Foremost. And that would make me happy too. Happy that they didn't have to be with someone so unsure as me. And though I had already expressed my feelings, I never was told what they felt. They never conversed with me.

....But I think I like another person. I'm 19. But this time, I'm really unsure about them. The more I think about it, I think the more I'm lying to myself. They're the first person I feel like I can converse with. But what if they dislike me? Ah. It makes me irritated. I don't need any of this... I lack it so much, I don't understand it. I want to like them but I think I'm lying to myself that I do. I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to be that person that dates every person they meet and talk to. I have 0 friends- 0 relationships- and my family is still hard to connect with.

But because we talk in such philosophical ways- it makes me happy. Their intelligence is cunning, and perhaps I only feel admiration or perhaps, only friendship. But what if this feeling is love? Is it in a platonic manner? Do I want to kiss them? Do I want to become something deeper with them? I don't understand it. It's too confusing. I've only known unrequited since I've been able to keep track of memories.

I don't desire sex. I don't want to be the person that just talks. I don't want the other person to be the only one who talks. I want conversation. I want someone to listen when I really, really need it, and in return, I'll do the same. I want to laugh at stupid stuff with someone. Maybe even get mad that one of us didn't clean up something and then use punishments such as tickle fights and make up with cuddles. I want us to get along, and give each other some space when we need a chance to breathe because the world of voices are breaking our heads. And were we to disagree on anything, to compromise as best as we can.

But that's too idealistic, isn't it?

Even then. I don't even know what love is. So I have to pretend I know. I don't know if I like this person but I... I want to tell them, but I'm so unsure. I'm so unsure. I want to be sure when I tell them. I want to make sure I really like them instead of jumping in thinking that I like them and in the end, break up because it just didn't happen. I don't want it to end up like other relationships where I think I like them, when I have no fucking idea if I do. I want to get to know them. I want to know so much and laugh with them. I want to continue our intelligent conversations about life. I want us to continue watching stupid stuff and drawing each other ridiculous things. I want to like them in that way, but I don't know if I actually do like them in such a manner. I don't want us to get deeper, and when its no longer deep, forget each other. I'm! Just! So! Confused! I think I like them! But I don't know what liking someone is like! And I don't think they'd ever like trash like me. I'm so!! Stupid!!

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anonymous Crush August 19, 2015 at 12:00 am 0 0