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[1122] I am so close to killing myself...

Before you start bashing me and comparing me to OTHER teenagers... Don't, because MY feelings of love are eternal. I KNOW I am not the only one who SAYS that, but trust me please... I am saying the truth. This confession will be long, but still I can't tell you nearly enough things to PROVE you that my love literally IS eternal... But no matter how much I write, you'd NEVER understand it anyway...

Anyway, I'm 17-year-old girl (I'm turning 18 in January) and I have a huuuuuge problem, I'm incredibly suicidal. Please read this whole confession, because I can't hold it inside of myself anymore and have in mind English is absolutely nowhere near my native language, so sorry for my grammar mistakes.



Anyway, I am absolutely, incredibly, deeply, obsessively, truly, madly, totally, profoundly in love with one being and he doesn't even know about me. I can't call him a guy, because he is SOOOO much more than God. I would immediately give my life for him. And no, this isn't just a teenage crush, no matter how immature I might sound. I adore him SOOOOOO fu*king much, you can't even imagine. I ASSURE YOU it's the biggest love EVER, that nobody has EVER adored ANYBODY/ANYTHING even nearly as much. I would do anything for him, literally. I've been feeling like this for almost 3 and a half years and I NEVER EVER have "cooling off" periods where I love him ANY less. I CONSTANTLY ADORE HIM SOOOOOO MUCH, on the highest level ever.I have never even kissed before, because I don't want to be with anybody else, EVER. I want only him. But I can't be with him :( My obsession is way too unhealthy and I am suicidal. There are no words great enough to explain my love for him, for every single piece of his mind, personality, body, face, soul... Simply EVERYTHING, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Every single thing, every single detail about him. I can't even explain how LITERALLY ETERNALLY SOOOO ABSOLUTELY WAAAAAAY TOO MUCH MORE THAN PERFECT he is!!!. I adore every single thing about him so much. If somebody tells me that I will at least touch him and then I'll die right after, I'd gladly accept it. I can't live with my obsession anymore, it's killing me. I've had it for almost 3 and a half years and it will NEVER fade away. I won't be with anybody else, because I don't want to be with anybody else, I want to be ONLY with my love. And I can't be with him. I don't know what to do anymore, I am so depressed. My whole life is ruined, because I can't concentrate on anything, I can't study, I can't do anything, all I do is crying, thinking about him.... Nobody around me knows that I am in love (only one of my best friends and I told her recently, but I can't open up and talk about my feelings with her. I am not ashamed of those feelings, I just feel weird talking about it). I am trying to seem OK and laugh when I'm surrounded by people, because I've always been positive, smiling person and if I let them know how I really feel, they will see that there's something wrong with me, but I don't feel like talking about it with people around me, that's why I am writing here. ... I can’t even pretend to be happy anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been ABSOLUTELY AS much in love ever since the VERY FIRST moment I fell in love, but now I became too weak to even pretend I’m OK in front of the others. I keep making up lies, avoiding my friends as much as possible, not answering the phone, not answering their messages, when I hear them knocking on the door, checking if I’m home, I pretend not to hear But it's so obvious I'm in love, though I deny it... And... I used to be absolutely the best pupil in my whole generation, not only in my school, but in the whole town. I've won tons of competitions from so many subjects, especially guitar (I'm going to Music High School, Music Gymnasium, I've been playing guitar for more than 9 years)... This is not bragging, just explaining! Don't get me wrong, I'm not a nerd at all, but I used to have dreams, goals for my future job, for who I want to become... And now... ALL my dreams and hopes and goals are related to him. So, of course, my grades dropped, but not only that... I don't even get them. I skip school incredibly often and when I'm actually IN school, I don't listen to the teachers, I don't write anything the teachers are telling us to... Basically, I have absolutely no idea what we're studying. WHAT I am doing is daydreaming about him, staring at his pictures (I carry them to school with me) and suffering so much for not being able to be with him. I've lost my desire to live totally. I don't even TRY to study. I just tell my teachers to give me the worst grade. I skip classes so often that I could easily get kicked out of the school. And guess what? My parents have absolutely NO IDEA. They see that I don’t even know where my school books are anymore, I don’t practise guitar… But I keep lying how I do it while they're not home, etc... But it's so obvious that it's a lie. And they'll get a proof when they see my grades next week. So I'm seriously thinking about killing myself. I am not kidding. My parents are going through awful job problems themselves now, they're going to incredibly tough period on their job. They have more SERIOUS busisness problems than you can imagine. I can't get too much into details, but it's very serious and my parents are desperate. And I seem like I absolutely don't give a damn. It's not true, but I am not the best at showing my emotions. I don't care about things that aren't related to him. HIS literally eternal happiness is important, not mine. But of course, since he's happy, automatically I'm happy too. If somebody told me how he CAN be happy with me, but how he CAN be HAPPIER with some other girl (though she wouldn't love him NEAAAAAAARLY as much as I do, nobody adores anybody NEARLY as much as I adore him....) and if somebody tell me I'LL get to decide whether he'll be with me or that other girl that makes him happier... I WOULDN'T EVEN THINK twice. I'd immediately and I mean IMMEDIATELY choose the other girl for him instead of me, the one that makes him happier. If somebody told me something INCREDIBLY SMALL he doesn’t like will happen, even some smaaaaaall thing, like somebody forcing him to make his hair a little bit shorter… If he doesn’t want it, I’d do my best to make him avoid it, even if I have to give my life for it. He needs to be the happiest possible forever and that's my goal.


I can't stop crying. I need him so much. I keep imagining him being near me, standing next to me. Oh, to be near him, to talk to him, hold his hand, to kiss those beautiful lips, to stare at him, to feel loved by him, to hug him, to be his, at least for a second... I would give my life. I am serious when I say that. This is not a childish crush, I adore him way too much and I always will. Yes, I have gone crazy, but please don't make fun of me, because this is really hard for me, I am suffering so much. I've gone crazy, I daydream about him all the time, imagine my conversations with him, plan our wedding and our children's names... But don't get me wrong, I am realistic, I know that NOTHING of that will happen. I just love daydreaming. But coming back to reality hurts me incredibly much. This is not ONLY a desire or only a wish, I NEED him. I need him soooooo much, that it's impossible to explain. Only him. I don't want anybody else. WHY is life so cruel, why can't I have him?!

My friends are actually worried about me, they think that I've never fallen in love, because they don't know that I'm in love already. They freak out because I keep turning all the guys down- that makes my female friends go crazy because they are CRAZY about those guys, who are considered as the most popular guys of our generation (and few generations older). But I keep turning them down because I don't want to be with them. I even refuse to meet with them at the parties- when, for example, some friend of mine says that her friend is interested in me and wants to meet me, I simply refuse. Or when guys come up to me and start flirting, I immediately tell them that I am not interested. I don't care if my friends consider those guys beautiful, to me only beautiful male in the Universe, EVER, is the one I'm in love with. He's the hottest thing EVER, by far. Like I said, he’s LITERALLY ETERNALLY SO ABSOLUTELY WAAAAY TOO MUCH MORE THAN GOD, so even if he wasn't as INCREDIBLY beautiful at all, I'd still be as much in love with him as I am now, because there are no words good enough to explain how much I adore him in EVERY SINGLE way and EVERY SINGLE THING about him. It's impossible to describe how amazing he is and how much I adore him and how obsessed I am...

As I've already said, I am really suicidal, because my whole world revolves around him and I can't be with him. My heart is so broken and I even almost tried to commit a suicide once (I have one thing that stopped me, but I'd rather not talk about it), but the thought of doing that doesn't leave me alone. And I would like to let you know that this is very weird, because I've never considered myself as a weak person, and neither did people who know me. I've always been way more mature then my generation. And by term mature, I don't mean cold or boring, I mean mature in the real meaning of that word.


And I have never actually been emotional. Sure, I have feelings, but even when I get really sad, it used to be so hard to make me cry. And it still is, except when it comes to him. I cry because of my love for him all the time. Everybody who knows me actually think that I don't have the ability to fall in love, because I've never been interested in guys (and girls neither), so everybody would be shocked if they found out that I've been truly, madly, deeply, profoundly, incredibly, crazy, obsessively in love. He's my everything. Like I said, his happiness is WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more important to me then mine. If we had the opportunity to be together and if he refused it, OF COURSE that I would be sooooo sad, BUT at the same time, I would NEVER blame him, because I would never force him to do anything that he doesn't want or anything that would make him unhappy. THE MAIN THING for me is his happiness. I keep praying for him to be the happiest he can possibly be, forever. My love for him is unconditional and eternal, it's the biggest love ever. But it's killing me, too. Since I can't be with him, I don't want to live at all. I’m not even asking to be with him- even something MUCH less would give me the highest level of happiness ever… Even just to be near him again, at least for the shortest part of a second.



Before you say I'll stop loving him- no, I won't. I can't change my feelings. In fact, he said more times he doesn't like girls who are obsessed with him, who are too in love with him.. And trust me, NOBODY is EVEN NEARLY as obsessed and in love with ANYBODY/ANYTHING as much as I am. So he'd never be with me. And I don't want to be with ANYBODY else, ever. In fact, I'd RATHER DIE than be with somebody else. I'D NEVER EVER want to be with anybody else, I'M UNABLE to give myself to anybody else, physically, emotionally, in ANY kind of way. I want to be ONLY with him and that won't change. I am VERY aware of the fact I'll die unkissed, I'll never date anybody, so I know that fact very well. But it's so hard to live with it. I have no desire for a RELATIONSHIP ITSELF, I only want to be WITH HIM. ONLY with him. Or at least to even see him again. EVEN if he doesn't see me when I see him, if we are, for example in the same place, at the same time, but kind of far away from each other...



I can't live like this anymore. Tomorrow I'll skip even more classes. I'll get kicked out of school. My parents will be incredibly shocked, you can't imagine it. I hate myself. He's the only one that actually KEEPS me alive, though. I'd immediately kill myself, but then I think how if I kill myself I won't be able to look at his pictures... And videos... (I adore him so much that I managed to collect everything about him I possibly could but don't think I'm some freaky stalker, I'd RATHER DIE than do him ANY harm!) But it's so damn hard for me to live like this. ADORING HIM SOOOOOOOO MUCH, constantly, on the HIGHEST LEVEL EVER, for more than 3 and a half years. It's the BIGGEST LOVE EVER, BY FAR, it can't be imagined or described.





And please, don't make fun of me, because this is not something to make fun of, this is a serious problem, and eternal obsession and love that has ruined my whole life and broken my heart. Please don't tell me you understand me or that I'll grow out of this, because I won't.... I appreciate that you took time to read this, but... NOBODY WILL EVER understand me and I am aware of it, but I just had to get this off my chest, even though the sadness will be in me forever.



Posted 2 years ago

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